“And, to anyone who got lost in me
Or, to anyone who ever felt they took a loss with me
My apologies for the misunderstanding or the lack thereof
I’m sorry you missed the God in me
And I’m sorry you missed the light
I’m sorry you forgot the way I arose like the moon
Night after night with the burden to forgive
Eager to feed you everything
See, I’m a holy woman
I know what it’s like to give life to a being without ever needing to press skin against one another
I’ve practiced how to hold my tongue long enough
I’m afraid I forgot to say goodbye
I’m afraid you’re under the impression
That I was made to please you
I was under the impression you understood me better
The truth is, I’m a superwoman
And some days I’m an angry woman
And some days I’m a crazy woman
For still waiting, for still loving harder even if I’m aching
For still trusting that I’m still worth the most
For still searching for someone to understand me better”
– Kehlani//Intro (SweetSexySavage)
How do you know when it is time to break up? Where is the line for when to give up and when to keep trying? How do I know which side of the line I’m on?
I feel so confused on what to do and I feel like I can’t make a right decision about this. I’ve been with B for over a year. I’ve invested so much of myself and my heart into him and to end that feels almost wasteful. I didn’t stay with him through his arrest and his bad habits just to end things. But, the problems of our relationship is more than a simple “he doesn’t spend time with me” complaint. I feel like we are such different people, and that wouldn’t be a problem except for what the difference is.
All my life, I’ve been surrounded by people who push themselves to work hard. In middle school they moved me into “advanced” classes, and since then I’ve been around people who have the same or a similar mentality of me. It’s not that they were all smart, but everyone had this same perspective where they were very goal-oriented people. I am a goal-oriented person. I like making goals. I like to plan for the future. I like to try reaching those goals. The friends I have are the same way. All of my close friends are goal-oriented. They get things done. They push themselves to do more when they’ve already done enough. Even my parents have always pushed me to do more than the bare minimum in life, and taught me that to get things I want I have to work my ass off, even if it seems easy.
B on the other hand, has illustrated to me that his life has been guided by “if it’s too hard, brush it off until it seems easier”. It’s not just a one time incident. It’s his way of life. Once he realizes something is more work than he expected it seems like he gives up. He doesn’t push himself and he wasn’t pushed when he was younger. His life has been a series of half-assings and consequences for bad decisions.Even when he wants to do better, his motivation seems so dull. I don’t feel like he wants anything enough to really put his all into it. Work from sun up to sun down, doing everything he can to make sure he reaches his goal. And it bothers me.
It bothers me to the point that most of what he does that annoys me is really rooted in that difference between us. When he plays video games, I’m not annoyed that he’s doing something lots of people do. I’m annoyed he’s not doing something productive that could better his future. When he goes to his friend’s house, I’m not mad that he is hanging out with someone other than me. I’m mad that he can find time to go see his friends but not time to do something productive. I feel like he thinks I’m mad at what he’s doing, but I’m honestly mad at what he’s not doing. I hate that I don’t see progress with him. The progress I do see is so minuscule that’s I’m not sure it deserves even a pat on the back. Instead of taking strides with his life, he’s taking baby steps. Going as he pleases instead of pushing past his comfort zone.
I worry that this is something innate, it’s just who he is. Because if that is the case, this is always going to be an issue for us. In which case, we should break up now and save ourselves from any further heartbreak. But how can I know that he won’t change? That this isn’t just him being young and stupid and he won’t suddenly do a 180 in the next 3 months? Is it worth the wait? The risk of wasting my time and being unhappy for even longer?
There are other things that upset me too besides this: He seems really immature at times because instead of telling me he’s upset about something, he just thinks “I’ll do something similar to hurt/bother her and see how she likes it”. It’s juvenile of him to try “getting even” instead of just telling me he’s upset about something. A lot of times, if he just talked to me he’d realize there’s nothing to be upset about. That sort of childish behavior where he acts like he’s not upset when he is and acting different instead of communicating. I feel like I’m the only one who initiates serious conversations. He rarely tries to talk about how he feels to me. It’s hard to connect with someone who barely talks to you about their feelings, or their interests, or have any open-minded, in-depth conversation about anything besides sex.
I want to believe that he isn’t as shallow and unmotivated as he makes himself look. Because I do love him, but this conflict has been straining our relationship to a point where I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and forced to just give up and end things. I want to be hopeful, but I also don’t want to be more hurt than I already am. I don’t know what to do and I feel like he’s already given up.