I don’t always make the best decisions, and maybe texting B to tell him about my post wasn’t smart. I was partially telling him because I genuinely wanted him to read it, but also because I had to ask him for the money he owes me so I can pay my insurance on time and it felt weird only texting to ask for money. Either way, he didn’t seem a fan of my post. I didn’t make it to send him any sort of negative message. Again, I’m just using these as a way to reflective out loud. And I’m trying to go step by step about everything so I can make sure I’ve covered all the bases. Step 1 was figure out what I want. Step 2 (that is this post) is to figure out if I think B can give me what I want. Step 3 is figuring out what’s making the relationship hard for me. And step 4 is deciding if it’s something we can fix. So I have a whole process here and I feel like he took my first post as me acting like I’m finding someone new when really I’m just trying to get a clear idea of what I expect from a partner in general. He seemed really defensive and then he tweeted something about wins and loses (I feel like he only uses twitter to make sure I see) and then started liking these girls tweets, and I️t was like “really ?” I get that this isn’t an ideal situation for him and he may not find this break to be necessary, but him going out of his way to prove a point through social media feels immature and like a defensive move. I get that he has to protect his heart and everything, but the defensive part of him makes it hard for us to get to the root of a problem. We both have to be vulnerable and figure things out, and getting defensive will only make that harder. What he says may be true, but he only felt the need to say if after he read my post and that feels like a defensive response rather than him just speaking his mind. I should have just kept the post to myself because now his response is going to bias my next reflection. On the one hand I want him to know this is probably not going to end in a breakup, but on the other hand, I want to remind myself that if I realize things aren’t going to work, I️t will have to end in a breakup. I just haven’t gotten to a conclusion yet and I don’t want to rush to one just to make things better between us. But okay, let’s just get through this post:
Do I think B can give me what I want/need?
The automatic answer would be yes. I don’t think what I’m asking is crazy, or impossible. And I feel like its important to note that I don’t expect him to just come with all the stops right away. I’m not exactly ready to be considered “wifey material” and it would be crazy for me to consider someone at the age of 19 to be husband material. I have these expectations and needs, but again I want us to focus on ourselves individually first. I saw a quote that basically said like “an empty cup can’t give anything, take care of yourself first” and I 100% believe that. How can you give to your partner if you don’t fulfill yourself first? I️f I go through my 20s looking for someone who’s already all ready for me, I’m going to be searching forever.
With B, it’s very catch 22. Because on the one hand, he does have the potential that I see making him enough for me. I feel like he does what he can right now at our age, and he’ll do more as he grows and has more to give. As he experiences life and goes to school and gets more educated on life, he will inevitably grow into a mature, successful person. What really makes me hesitant is figuring out whether he will keep growing the way he has been these past few months, or if he will go back to living an unmotivated, stagnant lifestyle. Because I don’t mind staying with him through growth. Growing together is something I think would make us stronger in the long run, but if he’s going to stop growing or goes backward, I don’t think it will work.
So overall, I think to answer the question: can B give me those wants and needs I mentioned in the last post? Yes. I think he’s completely capable, but I can’t expect it all from him right away. It’s something that would take time and growth, but he’s shown me some of those things already, so I don’t doubt he has the potential to be a good husband in the future. So next post will focus on exactly what my problems are with the relationship that make me question our longevity.
“She wasn’t scared to walk away,
She was scared he wouldn’t follow”