I’d be lying if I said that you ain’t on my mind, been tryin’ to give it some time

I don’t always make the best decisions, and maybe texting B to tell him about my post wasn’t smart. I was partially telling him because I genuinely wanted him to read it, but also because I had to ask him for the money he owes me so I can pay my insurance on time and it felt weird only texting to ask for money. Either way, he didn’t seem a fan of my post. I didn’t make it to send him any sort of negative message. Again, I’m just using these as a way to reflective out loud. And I’m trying to go step by step about everything so I can make sure I’ve covered all the bases. Step 1 was figure out what I want. Step 2 (that is this post) is to figure out if I think B can give me what I want. Step 3 is figuring out what’s making the relationship hard for me. And step 4 is deciding if it’s something we can fix. So I have a whole process here and I feel like he took my first post as me acting like I’m finding someone new when really I’m just trying to get a clear idea of what I expect from a partner in general. He seemed really defensive and then he tweeted something about wins and loses (I feel like he only uses twitter to make sure I see) and then started liking these girls tweets, and I️t was like “really ?” I get that this isn’t an ideal situation for him and he may not find this break to be necessary, but him going out of his way to prove a point through social media feels immature and like a defensive move. I get that he has to protect his heart and everything, but the defensive part of him makes it hard for us to get to the root of a problem. We both have to be vulnerable and figure things out, and getting defensive will only make that harder. What he says may be true, but he only felt the need to say if after he read my post and that feels like a defensive response rather than him just speaking his mind. I should have just kept the post to myself because now his response is going to bias my next reflection. On the one hand I want him to know this is probably not going to end in a breakup, but on the other hand, I want to remind myself that if I realize things aren’t going to work, I️t will have to end in a breakup. I just haven’t gotten to a conclusion yet and I don’t want to rush to one just to make things better between us. But okay, let’s just get through this post:

Do I think B can give me what I want/need?

The automatic answer would be yes. I don’t think what I’m asking is crazy, or impossible. And I feel like its important to note that I don’t expect him to just come with all the stops right away. I’m not exactly ready to be considered “wifey material” and it would be crazy for me to consider someone at the age of 19 to be husband material. I have these expectations and needs, but again I want us to focus on ourselves individually first. I saw a quote that basically said like “an empty cup can’t give anything, take care of yourself first” and I 100% believe that. How can you give to your partner if you don’t fulfill yourself first? I️f I go through my 20s looking for someone who’s already all ready for me, I’m going to be searching forever.

With B, it’s very catch 22. Because on the one hand, he does have the potential that I see making him enough for me. I feel like he does what he can right now at our age, and he’ll do more as he grows and has more to give. As he experiences life and goes to school and gets more educated on life, he will inevitably grow into a mature, successful person. What really makes me hesitant is figuring out whether he will keep growing the way he has been these past few months, or if he will go back to living an unmotivated, stagnant lifestyle. Because I don’t mind staying with him through growth. Growing together is something I think would make us stronger in the long run, but if he’s going to stop growing or goes backward, I don’t think it will work.

So overall, I think to answer the question: can B give me those wants and needs I mentioned in the last post? Yes. I think he’s completely capable, but I can’t expect it all from him right away. It’s something that would take time and growth, but he’s shown me some of those things already, so I don’t doubt he has the potential to be a good husband in the future. So next post will focus on exactly what my problems are with the relationship that make me question our longevity. 

“She wasn’t scared to walk away,

She was scared he wouldn’t follow”

Song from the Title

 

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Just because it won’t come easily, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try

Here we are for the billionth time talking about B.

Except this time I’m talking about him while on a break, so there’s that. Taking a break is actually a lot harder than it seems. In some ways, it seems harder than breaking up because you aren’t sure what is next with each other. At least when you break up, the goal is to take the relationship out of your life. With this break, I’m trying to just figure out what I want to do and why. Of course B hasn’t been as dedicated with this break as me; he keeps texting me random stuff about missing me and little relationship tip things he may be getting from twitter. It makes it hard because I do want to talk to him, and I do want to just stop the break and go back to normal, but there’s a reason I’m taking this break and I need to stick with it.

The point is to figure out what I need/want from this relationship, and whether B can give me that. And also, what is it that makes me feel so stressed about the relationship and whether it is something that can be fixed without changing who either of us are. So I’m going to start contemplating that, by first posting about:

what I need/want from my relationship

It’s taken a while for me to get more realistic about what to expect from a relationship. At the end of the day, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with isn’t going to be perfect. I’m not perfect, and it would be crazy to expect someone else to be. I also don’t expect us to have everything in common, because the only person who likes everything I like…is me. What can also be noted is that this person doesn’t have to be my everything. No one person can be everything. There’s a reason people have more than one friend, because they bring other things to the table. Some friends are wilder than others, some friends are better to go to for advice, and so on. So the same way I don’t expect everything from one friend, I can’t expect everything from one guy.

That being said, I still have plenty of expectations, because I’m not going to settle for just anyone at that point. I need someone who has similar values to me. Values like learning about themselves and others, wanting to always go further in life, having respect for others regardless of who they are, understanding that good things take time and effort. I need someone I can depend on to be able to help me when I need it. I need someone who is consistent because I can’t build on a weak foundation, I need something that will be what it needs to be long term, not just when I ask. I need someone that pushes me to grow and take on experiences that make me uncomfortable, but will help me go further in life. I can’t be taking care of someone else and helping them build their own life, while they do nothing to benefit mine. The only time I want to be doing that is if I’m getting paid for it, or if they’re my kid. I need someone who is willing to learn. No one knows everything, but if every time something comes up, it’s “I don’t know how to do that” or “I’ve never done that”, that isn’t going to work for me. Because I grew up where if I want to do something I’ve never done, I got up and figured out a way how. Whether that be looking it up on the internet, reading a book about it, or asking someone for advice. What is most important to me is that I need someone who can grow with me. Serious, ambitious growth. Tiring, difficult growth. The type of growth that requires self-discipline, dedication, and motivation. Motivation that comes from within, not from wanting to please me. Because my goal is to grow and build myself, and if my partner isn’t pushing to do the same for themselves, then we aren’t both bringing enough to the table for our future. It’s individual growth first, so that you have something to give when you’re growing in that relationship.

As for what I want, I just want someone I can deal with. I don’t expect someone to make me happy 100% of the time, but I want there to be more good days than bad days. I want someone who can communicate with me maturely. Someone who can trust me. Someone who I can trust. I want someone to try new things with, to go on adventures with, and to spend quality time with. Someone I don’t need my phone around.

I think certain things can be adjusted to the right person, but that is relatively what I’m looking for from a partner at this point in my life. Some of my friends say I’m thinking too far ahead about what I need from a partner, but in my opinion, if this isn’t someone who can give me what I want later down the line, why waste my time with them now? I can grow with or without another person, and at this point in my life a relationship is not a concern. I was single for 18 years, and I don’t think being single again will slow me down. I do know that what can slow me down is trying to turn someone who can’t be what I need into something they’re not. It will not only slow me down, but it would be unfair to that other person.

So that’s my first reflective post about my relationship for this week break. I’m going to post some more as I think about everything more and really dig in to my feelings and whatnot. I’m also going to try to start my other blog this week if I can get some serious inspiration/motivation, but if not I’ll just focus on doing more homework and spending time with my family and friends.

There will be dozens

of people

who will take your

breath away

but the one

who reminds you

to breathe

is the one you

should keep.

-c.p.

 

Song from the Title: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-N8Gu4cmkg

 

 

God bless these 20somethings

I’m going to work on making Sunday my usual blogging day, but I’ll go ahead and post just to update on my life because I’m feeling inspired.

I am officially 20 years old! Out of the “teens”, but definitely not going to start calling myself an adult yet. I’m sure some people (my mom) would believe otherwise, but somehow I just feel like I can’t consider myself an adult yet. I don’t know when I will, but it doesn’t matter.

While I am not an adult, I am officially in my twenties. I feel like there’s a lot of expectations for your twenties. You start turning into the person you’ll be for the rest of your life, there’s a lot of changes and adventures and disasters. I’m excited for what’s to come, but also wary. This weekend was somewhat of a rollercoaster emotion-wise for a birthday weekend.

I spent it with B, and it started Friday with me putting a deposit on a tattoo, we went walking through downtown window shopping, and then went out to eat. It was pretty fun, we didn’t really argue at all or anything, but later that night after we watched this improv show and were laying in bed watching Stranger Things we got into a pretty serious conversation. Basically, B was feeling like he was losing me to Donovan (my friend, obviously). And I told him that while me and Donovan do have a nice connection, I just don’t look at him in a romantic way. But I did tell him that I need a break, because I need time to figure out whether this relationship was something I could continue with for the long run. It got pretty emotional with us crying and then we had really sad, passionate sex afterwards. The next day we still agreed that a break was in order. We’re just going to start with a week (Thanksgiving break) for me to figure out what I want and how I’m feeling about the relationship.

Part of me thinks I just want to end it because there’s so many lies I’ve built around the people around me for the relationship. My parents have no idea B is living in Athens with me, they don’t know he’s been to jail, or that he’s on probation at this point. I feel like I’m always digging myself into a bigger hole lying about more and more to keep the lies I’ve already told consistent. I’m thinking maybe if I tell my parents over break that he’s there, I can start going in a more truthful direction. I know I should come clean and tell the whole truth, but baby steps. Maybe if I don’t feel like it’s such a burden to keep up lying about him, it will make me feel less negative about our relationship.

Beyond that emotional situation, Saturday was normal, we just hung around and watched Netflix. We did get a bottle of wine from one of my friends that I got really drunk from. It honestly did not occur to me that wine was still alcohol and that a hangover was still completely possible. Then Sunday I got my tattoo, which was unbelievably painful and I don’t regret it, but at the same time I’m like, “wow, that really hurt”. I have it though! Which is cool, and a step in the right direction for my *drum roll*… 20something plan!

Basically I’ve created this bucket list to complete by the time I turn 21. Just a way for me to really push myself to get uncomfortable and not necessarily change, but grow. I really wanted to make being 20 exciting. It felt kind of like a filler birthday – it’s not your 18th, but it’s not your 21st. Just 20. So I’m hoping I can make it something more exciting and meaningful. I’ll get into details about it sooner than later, and try to use this upcoming break to reflect a lot.

I feel like I’m always trying to change myself, but this time it’s really not me trying to change rather than grow into whoever I’m meant to be. I figure by forcing myself to do things I’d usually not consider, I can find out more about myself and become more comfortable with the person I’m growing in to. Looking at my old posts, I definitely wasn’t as comfortable with myself. Which makes sense, I was (and still am!) young. But now as I’m getting older I feel like I have the confidence to go out and really force myself to love who I am and everything about me.

This post was really just me updating about my birthday and whatnot, so yeah. I’m excited to go back and read this on my 21st birthday and see how my life has changed.

Yesterday I

was clever, 

so I wanted

to change the world.

Today I am

wise, so I

am changing 

myself.

– Rumi 

Andalusia

It has been a very long time since I’ve blogged, but I was finally motivated enough to press the reset button password and change my password to something I’ll probably forget in a few months again. My motivation is also spurring from the movie I’m watching called The Last Word. It’s just a cute little movie to watch with some ice cream.

I guess I should go ahead and update on my life, for my avid, nonexistent readers and my future self.

How is my life right now? Good, I suppose. I’m relatively happy. I’m getting pretty good grades as a psychology major, and I’m considering adding an extra minor in criminal justice. Still looking to figure out where exactly I’m taking my career, but I’m pretty sure I’m going in the right direction whatever direction that is. As for my social life, I’ve been better about having regular conversations with my friends. I talk to Sarah and China regularly, and I’ve been talking to Akriti recently which is interesting, but nice. One of the counselors I worked with at the summer camp, Arielle, passed away a few days ago which is terrible. It’s especially terrible when she was so young, but I think in a way she’s lucky. Not as though I wish I were in her place, but in the way that she managed to be such a positive, strong person so early in her life. She was one of the most positive people I’ve had in my life and she brought so much joy with her wherever she went. She stood up for me when she thought someone was trash-talking me and was the life of the party when we had our counselor bonding sleepovers. And I know wherever she is, she’s still the beaming light of energy she’s always been.

On a less inspirational, but still perfectly acceptable note, I’m trying to get healthier. I joined a workout class that is basically athletic conditioning twice a week. I have that and I’ve been trying to go to the gym twice a week outside of the class also. I think working out and trying to get stronger is a good goal for myself. Something my future self will thank for me.

I’m sure any true fans are wondering about Mr. B himself. We’re still together. Which is nice, but also not. He stayed with me in my dorm for a few months, and now he has a small place with some random roommates here in Athens with me. We have our good days and our bad ones, more good ones now that we aren’t sharing my dorm. Even so, I still have my moments where I’m still wondering about us and where we’re going and whether it’s worth it. I wonder if all relationships have these wonders or if it’s just the young voice in the back of my head or if it’s the universe trying to tell me. I try not to focus on it too much.

I don’t think I’ve shared this, but over the summer I bought a car, but now it’s broken so my dad is trying to fix it.

I don’t really have all the motivation in the world to explain every single update since my last blogging spell, but I’m going to make an effort to try blogging more. Turing 20 this year makes me wonder what I’m going to make of myself. I used to think I’d be perfectly content just getting married and being a mom, and that’s still true, but I think I want to do more than that. So I think I will just leave this post by saying, stay tuned for what I don’t have planned.

“Fail Spectacularly” – The Last Word.

April Update!

Since it’s April it’s time for an update on my life and whatnot. I’ll split everything into categories just for myself so I’m not bouncing from idea to idea.

School: I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but I did change my major to psychology with a minor in human development and family sciences. I’m happy with the change even though there’s that whole stigma about majoring in psychology (i.e. “What are you going to do with that major?”), and my main goal is to end up getting my masters so I can be a certified and I could possible go back and get my PhD if I’m feeling ambitious in the future. Not having chemistry has made life feel so much easier. I think I’ll be able to finally get my GPA back up to at least a 3.0 which means I can still be eligible for the HOPE scholarship I believe, which is extremely important. There is only 22 days left of classes and then finals and then I’m done with my freshman year of college. I also did Caribbean night this past weekend which was fun, except I wasn’t in most of the performance which was upsetting, but I plan to work hard to be part of more next year.

Mental Health: Lately I’ve been feeling pretty good. I’ve been happy for the most part and not stressed out or worried too much about any big things. I haven’t been isolating myself as much and I’ve definitely been giving myself breaks to kind of relax and not be all school all day every day.

Love: B hasn’t been bad lately. Then again, we just had sex a few days ago so I could just be content because of that. Honestly though, I feel a lot less stressed about him and our relationship. With that being said, I don’t know if that means we are good for good. It all just depends on where we go and how we act and treat each other.

I’m honestly trying to make this a condensed update because I don’t really feel like updating, but it’s on my April to-do list so I wanted to go ahead and get it out the way. I have other things on my list too like to go to the gym for as many days in a row as possible because I feel like I could lose some weight. I honestly just want my stomach flatter but I don’t see any way to treat that specifically unless I just lose weight completely. I’ve only done it 3 days in a row so far and I haven’t seen much progress, but I’m hoping after a week or two I start seeing some small results. I’ve also been stretching because I want to get more flexible. I really want to be able to do a split so that’s sort of my goal.

Other than that, life hasn’t been anything too exciting or problematic. I’m in a good place right now and April is starting off really well for me. *Knocks on Wood*.