April Update!

Since it’s April it’s time for an update on my life and whatnot. I’ll split everything into categories just for myself so I’m not bouncing from idea to idea.

School: I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but I did change my major to psychology with a minor in human development and family sciences. I’m happy with the change even though there’s that whole stigma about majoring in psychology (i.e. “What are you going to do with that major?”), and my main goal is to end up getting my masters so I can be a certified and I could possible go back and get my PhD if I’m feeling ambitious in the future. Not having chemistry has made life feel so much easier. I think I’ll be able to finally get my GPA back up to at least a 3.0 which means I can still be eligible for the HOPE scholarship I believe, which is extremely important. There is only 22 days left of classes and then finals and then I’m done with my freshman year of college. I also did Caribbean night this past weekend which was fun, except I wasn’t in most of the performance which was upsetting, but I plan to work hard to be part of more next year.

Mental Health: Lately I’ve been feeling pretty good. I’ve been happy for the most part and not stressed out or worried too much about any big things. I haven’t been isolating myself as much and I’ve definitely been giving myself breaks to kind of relax and not be all school all day every day.

Love: B hasn’t been bad lately. Then again, we just had sex a few days ago so I could just be content because of that. Honestly though, I feel a lot less stressed about him and our relationship. With that being said, I don’t know if that means we are good for good. It all just depends on where we go and how we act and treat each other.

I’m honestly trying to make this a condensed update because I don’t really feel like updating, but it’s on my April to-do list so I wanted to go ahead and get it out the way. I have other things on my list too like to go to the gym for as many days in a row as possible because I feel like I could lose some weight. I honestly just want my stomach flatter but I don’t see any way to treat that specifically unless I just lose weight completely. I’ve only done it 3 days in a row so far and I haven’t seen much progress, but I’m hoping after a week or two I start seeing some small results. I’ve also been stretching because I want to get more flexible. I really want to be able to do a split so that’s sort of my goal.

Other than that, life hasn’t been anything too exciting or problematic. I’m in a good place right now and April is starting off really well for me. *Knocks on Wood*.

 

Love shouldn’t be this hard.

I’m so fucking tired.

I’m tired of trying so hard to be hopeful with someone who has given me so many reasons to leave. I don’t know why I’m even trying at this point. Why does he deserve for me to try so hard to be patient and understanding with him? He doesn’t.

I hate that I can’t just break up with him. I need to break up with him. I’m so unhappy. I feel like he doesn’t care about making me happy at all. I compromise and do shit for him all the time to make him happy, even when I don’t want to. Because I fucking love him and I thought that’s what I was supposed to be doing. But apparently not. Because from what he’s showing me, I’m being really fucking stupid for trying to make him happy and compromising for him.

We broke up before. It was barely for 24 hours and he asked me to come back. HE asked ME. I thought that because he made the effort to keep us from ending things, he really cared about me and wanted to be the guy that we both know he could be. He could do the things that he knows would make me happy. He knows the things I want. Communication, consistency, maturity, responsibility.  He just doesn’t want to do the things I want him to do because he doesn’t care about my happiness the way he claims he does. He doesn’t care about me the way he claims he does. He doesn’t love me the way he claims he does. And I feel so fucking stupid for believing him. I should have broken up with him a long time ago. Now I feel so fucking stupid for thinking our relationship would get better. For thinking we could actually last forever. We can’t. How would he expect me to stay with someone who barely prioritizes me into their life. He wants me to just sit and pretend everything is okay. Pretend that everything will just magically fucking work out because fate is supposed to be the driving force of our relationship.

He has to go to jail for 5 days as his final “sentencing” or whatever. So he decides that the night before he goes, he wants to just smoke his brains out. He wants to smoke all night and stay up all night. Not talk to me. He’s fucking ridiculous. First of all, I’m so fucking tired of him using smoking as his way of coping with his problems. Like, be a fucking man and just go to jail and accept your consequences. You don’t need to do some big thing before you go to jail for 5 fucking days. It’s jail, not North Korea. It’s jail, not prison. You’d think that considering he barely talked to me all day, he’d want to have some sort of conversation with me. Hear my voice for a least a little while. But of course I’m the fucking dumbass for believing he would actually choose me over getting sickeningly high. And then his mom says he should go out for the night and enjoy himself before he goes to jail. She’s part of the reason he’s such a fucking problem. Why does he deserve to enjoy himself before his 5-day jail sentence? Why should he get to go have a great ol’ night? He’s so fucking spoiled! Like, no he really just needs to go to bed and be ready to go to jail at whatever time he needs to. Maybe I’d be less mad if he used this free pass to come see me, but it doesn’t change the fact that he really doesn’t deserve a free pass. He doesn’t deserve a lot of what he gets honestly. So why I let him have me when he clearly doesn’t deserve me, I have no idea. No fucking idea.

What pisses me off more is that he said he’d call me later. Then it hits 3AM and I ask if he’s still going to call and he’s probably not anytime soon. It’s fucking ridiculous. How the fuck do you make me wait up thinking I’m going to talk to you, just for you to say “maybe later”. So I say goodnight and he has the nerve to say “I love you more” knowing GOOD AND DAMN WELL he doesn’t. He doesn’t love me anywhere near as much as I love him and it’s not fucking fair. I put in all this fucking effort, and he cares about me when it’s convenient.

I need to break up with him so bad and I can’t. I fucking can’t. I just want him to love me. I don’t get why he wanted to get back together if he was just going to put me as a back-burner concern. I feel sick. I don’t know what to do, because I don’t think he’s going to change. I really don’t. He says he can be what I need, but he doesn’t want to be what I need. Clearly. At this point, I’m convinced we are just wasting each others’ time. It’s one thing to be invested in just enjoying the relationship, but when I’m clearly unhappy in the relationship and reaching a point of hopelessness, it isn’t worth staying for. He’s not worth staying for. I’m sure he is worth someone’s time. I’m sure some girl would be dying to date him, but lately I really just don’t feel the love for him that I should. I’m not saying I expect us to be in the honeymoon phase, but I just mean that I shouldn’t be unhappy as much as I am. I feel like I’m giving him too many chances. It’s just hard because I get so hopeful. I think that maybe he’ll come around and prove to me he really is going to be better. At this point I don’t think so though. I don’t know if I should break up with him now, but in a way I feel like this needs to be the last straw. I need to break up with him. He’s just not being the person I need right now.

It’s such a fucking struggle. He doesn’t even know I feel like this. He thinks I’m sleeping. Every time we have this conversation, he tells me “it’s not that deep” and “you’re so sensitive” and “you’re expecting too much” and just all this bullshit, basically dismissing my feelings. So why can’t I just end things. He’s made it so clear that he is not worth keeping in my life and yet I cannot let him go. I’m only 19 years old. I’m sure I can find someone better for me. So why can’t I just break up with him and move forward with my life? I feel so stuck.

The more you speak, the more I see

The more your lights grows upon me
And the more it grows, the closer I think you are, the closer I think you are
To seeing me whole
What if you don’t like what you see, silhouettes inside a dream
And I’m melting from the light
One drip at a time

Plastic 100 Degrees//Sampha

Monthly update:
I just finished watching Moonlight, and I was highly impressed. I liked the different perspective. Left me in a calm, “everything will be okay” state of mind. And this album by Sampha is also giving me very strong vibes. Relaxed. My friend is supposed to be calling me in like 2 minutes, but I don’t know if I’ll answer. Not because I don’t care about our friendship, but I really would rather just stay in this zone than talk about boys and complain about stuff. Which is kind of rude because I know I’ll still want to talk to B tonight. I feel like I do that a lot; put B before my friends. I don’t know why. But I mean, with this one friend we’ve been friends since 3rd grade and she knows I barely answer the phone half the time. Plus, when she does need me she can text me and tell me it’s important and I’ll usually answer. I’m there when she needs me. That doesn’t really justify it completely, but what can I say? I can’t help that I’m selfish. People are selfish. Even when they aren’t trying to be. I’m human.

School wise, I’ve officially changed to a psychology major with a minor in human development and family sciences. I think I want to be a therapist. Which means I’ll probably have to get my masters, but it’s something I enjoy so I think it’ll be worth it. I’m still going to get a pharmacy technician license because it’ll help me get a better paying job while I’m still in school, but being a full on pharmacist isn’t really my calling I think. I think I’d be better at helping people on a more personal level. Help them deal with their problems. Hopefully, this is the right direction for me. It’s annoying to think you could spend 4 years in school getting a degree and still struggle. Oh well though.

I’m still unsure about B, but at this point I’m just trying to keep myself together. I don’t like that we get mad and fight a lot, but breaking up makes me sad. I feel like if I just distance myself, and we don’t work out, it’ll hurt less. He just doesn’t act beyond himself. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s how it feels. He’s still just focused on himself. I don’t think he thinks about me the way I think about him…I don’t know. It’s hard. I’m trying to just not think too hard about him and our future.

One of my other friends called me and I answered and it killed my blogging vibe. I could have ignored the call, I should have. She just talks about boys a lot. I don’t know what I want to talk about, but not boys. I just want to relax. Reflect on life. I think I’m going to just play sims 3 when she hangs up. I feel like she talks about boys too much. Everyone talks about boys too much. I like my roommate, she talks about more than boys.

I’ll try doing a better update another day this week.

“My condolences to anyone who ever lost me.”

“And, to anyone who got lost in me
Or, to anyone who ever felt they took a loss with me
My apologies for the misunderstanding or the lack thereof
I’m sorry you missed the God in me
And I’m sorry you missed the light
I’m sorry you forgot the way I arose like the moon
Night after night with the burden to forgive
Eager to feed you everything
See, I’m a holy woman
I know what it’s like to give life to a being without ever needing to press skin against one another
I’ve practiced how to hold my tongue long enough
I’m afraid I forgot to say goodbye
I’m afraid you’re under the impression
That I was made to please you
I was under the impression you understood me better
The truth is, I’m a superwoman
And some days I’m an angry woman
And some days I’m a crazy woman
For still waiting, for still loving harder even if I’m aching
For still trusting that I’m still worth the most
For still searching for someone to understand me better”

Kehlani//Intro (SweetSexySavage)

How do you know when it is time to break up? Where is the line for when to give up and when to keep trying? How do I know which side of the line I’m on?

I feel so confused on what to do and I feel like I can’t make a right decision about this. I’ve been with B for over a year. I’ve invested so much of myself and my heart into him and to end that feels almost wasteful. I didn’t stay with him through his arrest and his bad habits just to end things. But, the problems of our relationship is more than a simple “he doesn’t spend time with me” complaint. I feel like we are such different people, and that wouldn’t be a problem except for what the difference is.

All my life, I’ve been surrounded by people who push themselves to work hard. In middle school they moved me into “advanced” classes, and since then I’ve been around people who have the same or a similar mentality of me. It’s not that they were all smart, but everyone had this same perspective where they were very goal-oriented people. I am a goal-oriented person. I like making goals. I like to plan for the future. I like to try reaching those goals. The friends I have are the same way.  All of my close friends are goal-oriented. They get things done. They push themselves to do more when they’ve already done enough. Even my parents have always pushed me to do more than the bare minimum in life, and taught me that to get things I want I have to work my ass off, even if it seems easy.

B on the other hand, has illustrated to me that his life has been guided by “if it’s too hard, brush it off until it seems easier”. It’s not just a one time incident. It’s his way of life. Once he realizes something is more work than he expected it seems like he gives up. He doesn’t push himself and he wasn’t pushed when he was younger. His life has been a series of half-assings and consequences for bad decisions.Even when he wants to do better, his motivation seems so dull. I don’t feel like he wants anything enough to really put his all into it. Work from sun up to sun down, doing everything he can to make sure he reaches his goal. And it bothers me.

It bothers me to the point that most of what he does that annoys me is really rooted in that difference between us. When he plays video games, I’m not annoyed that he’s doing something lots of people do. I’m annoyed he’s not doing something productive that could better his future. When he goes to his friend’s house, I’m not mad that he is hanging out with someone other than me. I’m mad that he can find time to go see his friends but not time to do something productive. I feel like he thinks I’m mad at what he’s doing, but I’m honestly mad at what he’s not doing. I hate that I don’t see progress with him. The progress I do see is so minuscule that’s I’m not sure it deserves even a pat on the back. Instead of taking strides with his life, he’s taking baby steps. Going as he pleases instead of pushing past his comfort zone.

I worry that this is something innate, it’s just who he is. Because if that is the case, this is always going to be an issue for us. In which case, we should break up now and save ourselves from any further heartbreak. But how can I know that he won’t change? That this isn’t just him being young and stupid and he won’t suddenly do a 180 in the next 3 months? Is it worth the wait? The risk of wasting my time and being unhappy for even longer?

There are other things that upset me too besides this: He seems really immature at times because instead of telling me he’s upset about something, he just thinks “I’ll do something similar to hurt/bother her and see how she likes it”. It’s juvenile of him to try “getting even” instead of just telling me he’s upset about something. A lot of times, if he just talked to me he’d realize there’s nothing to be upset about. That sort of childish behavior where he acts like he’s not upset when he is and acting different instead of communicating. I feel like I’m the only one who initiates serious conversations. He rarely tries to talk about how he feels to me. It’s hard to connect with someone who barely talks to you about their feelings, or their interests, or have any open-minded, in-depth conversation about anything besides sex.

I want to believe that he isn’t as shallow and unmotivated as he makes himself look. Because I do love him, but this conflict has been straining our relationship to a point where I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and forced to just give up and end things. I want to be hopeful, but I also don’t want to be more hurt than I already am. I don’t know what to do and I feel like he’s already given up.